I have written and delivered two eulogies in the last month. Fair to say I have had my fill and a difficult holiday to round things out.
I am feeling the need to publish my mother in law’s eulogy and I have an in with the publisher of this blog so please bare with me. Some levity will follow. Promise.
…….
It is in these moments – these moments of loss – that we all take pause from the busy lives we have built to become reflective on what the measure of a good life is. What the ingredients are to living successfully. They are different for everyone but for Betty, I bet it would go something like this:
Equal parts daughter, sister, wife, mother and grandmother.
A cup or five of strong will
Plenty of good food shared in good company
A heaping tablespoon of the ability to create change
Chased by, ironically, a rounded teaspoon of routine
Travel – as much travel as she could cram in – and as much of the camping variety as possible
And a pinch of school girl silliness
Born in the fall of 1943, Betty was the second of four kids. Grade school was textbook for her – she was a gymnast and a brownie, a member of the Colborn Band and Baton Core. They didn’t grow up with much but they made their own fun. Uncle Bill told me that Betty and her brothers would sit on the front stoop counting cars – Betty would count them off – one for Wayne, one for her, one for Bill. The goal was to get a Cadillac and what a lucky turn it was if it was you.
It wasn’t until the ninth grade, when Betty didn’t like her teachers, that she showed a different side. She quit school. That was enough of that. Enter her strong will. Classic Betty.
She moved to Toronto to attend ‘business school’ which actually ended up being riding the street car from one end of the Danforth to the other and then calling it a day. Al doesn’t think she ever attended a class. And then she moved to Coburg, worked at GE and Winchester Arms, building guns and ammunition which is when she met Alymer Garnet Turk at a dance. Despite a rough start –Betty was clocked at another dance by an ex-girlfriend of Al’s (he was quite the catch, a handsome James Dean type) she had found her match and they married on a blizzardy day in February.
They settled into married life – Al working at General Electric and Betty, working some retail but mostly committed to the business of building a life with Al.
Babies soon followed – as they tended to in those days. David, Julie and then Lori. Her life turned to motherhood and the full on, non-stop thrill ride that can be.
She ran a tight ship – on the strict side of things. Betty had a magical way of using her voice to get the appropriate response – sharp is a good word – and she managed to instill the right amount of fear in her kids. I could use that recipe right about now. Not that that was required with Julie who was afterall the perfect child.
But that sharpness was always offset by a much gentler side – a side that made sure everyone was tucked in tight at night, covers up to the chin, hugged and kissed, prayers said.
That Betty and Al raised the three wonderful kids they did – all generous, successful, funny, kind, loving, in their own right – I am sure she counted that among her greatest accomplishments.
Betty cooked when her kids were younger and before she wasn’t well. Al loved Betty’s roast beef dinner cooked just the way he liked it – well well done. Dave said his favorite dish was his mum’s chili that she famously made for all of his high school buddies for an annual grey cup party and he loved her macaroni & cheese, Julie’s was her mum’s spaghetti sauce with meatballs and heaps of romano and Lori’s was her mum’s big, slow fondues. It was all comfort food. Food that fits like a cozy sweater. Warms you up and tastes like home. Betty was good at that.
Change was the one constant Betty’s family grew to expect from her. And not change in the sense you may think. I mean physically changing her environment. I mean moving furniture while the kids were at school and Al was at work. Seven foot sofas mysteriously changed floors, Julie’s room changed location, pieces disappeared all together. Sort of like hide and go seek. And it wasn’t only furniture that disappeared – family pets weren’t safe. Beloved Goldy and Molsen were found new homes when Betty had had enough.
To counter that – she embraced routine in the her day to day. Dinner was served at 4:45 pm sharp everyday. Grocery shopping was reserved for Thursday evenings after Dad was home with the car and one lucky kid got to go with her and be rewarded with a chocolate bar or in dave’s case, Burger King. Now, Betty denied this just last week and promised to give Dave heck for lying to his sisters. He is so sure he is the favorite – we all concede you are the favorite son. The kids who stayed home ate hot dogs and pea soup, like clockwork. And then there were the treasured Sunday dinners – usually roast beef or roast chicken and lasted well into when Julie and Lori had started their own families.
Betty didn’t see much travel in the last 10 years of her life – her health didn’t allow it. But when she was younger, packing the kids up for two weeks after school wrapped was an annual event. Nancy, Bete and Al would ambitiously load the camper and head to KB in Castelton, KOA (rich people camping as Lori described it because there was a pool), Red Eagle or Cole Hill. This was when the rules relaxed or in some cases didn’t exist at all and Betty was her happiest. She also managed to get to both coasts of Canada, driving with Nancy out west to Calgary and taking the camper with Al, Amanda and Kayla back east, south to Hawaii, on a Caribbean cruise and to Florida for some sunshine.
Betty relished her role as Grandmother and she was good at it. And not only the cooing and doting and playing on the floor and spoiling. But the care – the everyday care, the roll up your sleeves, how can I help variety like only the mother of a mother can.
As a first time mum, Julie was overwhelmed when Amanda had her days and nights completely confused, sleeping all day and wakeful all night. Betty moved in and took over without a second thought. Gave Julie time to rest and broke Amanda’s will to stay awake all night which was entirely unmatched by her own.
After Kayla was born, Lori was left alone in her hospital room with a new born and an episiotomy preventing her from even being able to even get to Kayla. Betty demanded Lori be discharged and took her home. She nursed Lori back to health, got Kayla into a routine and took care of Max for good measure.
She was fiercely proud of all of her grandchildren – boasting whenever she had the chance and to whoever would listen that her Amanda had been accepted to Sir Sanford Fleming, that Carsten would attend Laurier, Kayla was starting her first year at Trent, Daniel had gotten up on his snowboard and wakeboard, Jake was doing a semester in Italy, Matthew had another amazing report card, that Emma was in a dance recital, and little Coco was learning to speak French and play the piano.
As for that school girl silliness – I told Aunt Nancy recently that I thought she and Betty sounded like “Thelma and Louise”. She said “No, dear, more like Laverne and Shirley” which conjured up images of mischief and hilarity.
We do know that she lost her job at the GE factory for putting a frog on the plastics punch press – I could totally see Laverne doing the same.
And she became childlike at Christmas. Julie and her mum would always be the first up, waiting patiently in the living room for the rest of the family to wake up. Patience ran short after a while and Betty would start to make breakfast. By making breakfast, I mean she would bang pots, drop silverware, slam cupboard doors…soon the rest of the clan was up. And on Julie’s first Christmas with Mark, she woke up early and drove to her mum and dad’s to be awake first with her mum.
She inspired and held special relationships in her life time. From the nurses who were her primary care for the last number of years, Sherry and Laurie most recently, and one in particular who continued to call after Betty well after she was out of her charge – to the nurses in these last days at PRHC.
And her relationship was special with each of her siblings – she shared a very similar personality with her little brother Wayne – translation lots of bickering. One time, Betty was in Wayne’s face about something and his dog up and bit her on the butt. Uncle Bill never missed a birthday – Betty boasted phone calls from all over North America from her big brother who drove long haul.
And Nancy, well, thank God for sisters. Nancy is seven years younger than Betty and instantly became her baby. They were one another confident, felt safe to share anything and everything and knew there would never be any judgment. Nancy told us recently after all of her years as close to Betty as she was, Betty never once raised her voice at her.
And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the husband Al has been to Betty. Almost 49 years married and in the last ten, every vow they made to one another has been tested. He has kept vigil for her – attending every appointment, keeping record of every medication, every hospital stay. Visiting faithfully when she was away from home, keeping her comfortable and cared for when she was.
It is hardest for some to thank those closest to them so on Betty’s behalf, on behalf of David, Julie and Lori – we thank you for your goodness, your patience, your selflessness. We are all ever grateful.
The sum of these parts – the sum of Betty as daughter, sister, wife, mother and grandmother and everything that filled her years in between – made for a round, full life, albeit a short one. She filled the life she had. And we are thankful she did.
On behalf of Al, Dave, Julie and Lori – we thank you sincerely for sharing today with us. For finding time to pause and celebrate this life lived.
Rest now Bete, Betty, Mom, Grandma, friend. We know you are still with us and that we will always be with you.